I want to start a Sports Soap Opera on TV. I was thinking of starting my show based on some real life sports stars but, of course, any story line I write is based on fictional characters and purely coincidental.
I would start with Crabby Broodant. He would be a basketball star who would have a little tryst with a young hotel maid in Denver, Colorado. The maid will, of course, yell rape, but how could anyone accuse Crabby of such a thing.
Crabby would hold a press conference, with his wife, to tell the world everything was consensual and that he would buy his wife an 8-Karrot diamond ring to prove his love to her. His number was 8, get it? Good thing he hadn’t yet changed his number to 24!
While Crabby tells the world that he is only guilty of adultery, a golf star named Woody Lyons answers rumors about his extramarital affair. His wife, Ellen, gets angry and does a number on Woody’s expensive car with one of his golf clubs although she would later deny it in a magazine story.
The next day Woody would deny the rumor that there were five more affairs. Ellen now had to forgive him for six interactions.
But as my soap continues, there would be over 100 women “fess up” and this made it very difficult to forgive innocent looking Woody. So Ellen made him buy her a $5 million house is Sweden so she had somewhere to crash with the two kids.
Woody would later feel guilty but his lawyers felt that the guilt was worth only $100 million of the $750 million Woody had amassed since he started playing golf.
Woody will start playing again, and participate in golf too, He will prove that he can stick with just 10 women at a time and be worthy of his endorsement contracts.
Meanwhile Monday Jimenez will start work with a local baseball team only to cheat them out of $45 million. He will be the most expensive and embarrassing player ever to put on a uniform that was a big dud.
Monday will make excuses like he had to have money to keep his hair-do in place and that if he was loved in Boston and Los Angeles he would have performed better and probably wouldn’t have pulled a muscle or take illegal drugs to keep in under wraps. The story lines are endless.
Ryan Leaf will be the moderator and runner up to Monday in the “worthless athlete” category.
But I can’t wait to write about Raggy Tree. Raggy will be the outstanding college running back who will try and explain why his parents had money for new cars, homes and jewelry after he became a star. His parents will say their credit got better but the BSS will investigate and find that Raggy knew and encouraged them to take at least $300,000 in gifts from a company wanting to represent them when he turned pro. The BSS will say he turned pro sooner than he thought and make him give back a lot of wins and trophies.
Meanwhile at Raggy’s university, they “should have known” so they lost scholarships and championships, and are not allowed to let Raggy visit their hallowed halls.
Our show will feature a try every week showing Raggy trying to sneak into the school and replace the Heisman Trophy that disappeared, presumably into the same trash bin as O.J.’s award.
We will have a segment about other kinds of cheaters. Remember when Taiwan would win the Little League World Series every year with 12 and 13-year-olds that would have five-o’clock shadows and wives and kids? Finally they were caught too and age proving took on a whole new importance. The World Series trophies will be taken away from them too.
So what do you think? Will these plots beat “All My Children?”
E-mail Don Alexander at Journaldon@aol.com.
