I am writing this column on Valentine’s Day. Most men I know just get all mushy on Valentine’s Day. Most women know that this is the day to get that marriage proposal or expensive jewelry.
Men can resist all of this on Super Bowl Sunday and at World Series time. Maybe even during March Madness, but not on Valentine’s Day.
I thought Valentine’s Day was named after Bobby Valentine, the hot-headed manager and baseball player. It turns out the day was named after a Roman saint who didn’t like a Roman law banning marriages. Apparently marriage distracted the warriors from fighting Rome’s enemies.
So Valentine continued to marry people under the table, so to speak. Many people have asked me what the name of the holiday was before it was turned into Valentine’s Day. It was called Lupercalis/Lupercalia. It celebrated fertility.
Anyway, there are more recent developments in the world of sports that have prompted me to write a brief sports soap opera as I continue to feel the mush on Valentine’s Day.
“As the Sports World Turns” so does our stomach. My soap opens with Jennifer Lopez in her Versace dress with the low neckline, to say the most. The first segment will answer once and for all what holds that dress in place. Two-sided tape is the answer. Most men would prefer not to know the answer.
The next segment will have Yankee Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz re-enact their popcorn-eating episode.
Cameron will feed popcorn lovingly to Alex just as she did when one billion people looked on during the Super Bowl. I will have 10 guys complain that this was disgusting until I ask them to play the part of Alex Rodriguez. All of them will say yes. It’s amazing what good looks and millions of dollars will attract, right?
My next segment will feature the time when the Laker’s Lamar Odem and his wife Khloe Kardashian invented their new fragrance, “Unbreakable.”
“I like what you have on now,” says Lamar.
“You smell like a locker room,” says Khloe. “But it’s very manly!”
“I have an idea,” says Lamar. “ Let’s put this smell together and tell people it’s for men and women. They’ll buy this poppycock because we made it! And we’ll put it in an unbreakable bottle so even men can safely use it and call it “Unbreakable.”
A big fat guy will tell them not to leak out any information yet but Lamar, who still thinks Twitter is like texting, will “spill the beans.” According to Khloe.
Miraculously the product will be plentiful but most stores will not carry it. They must be waiting for my soap opera to air.
The next segment will feature all 9,263 people in the United States with the first name of Valentine. It could be more as I am now awaiting the latest post-Valentine’s Day stats.
The next segment will be set in the Laker’s locker room. Lamar will be giving free samples of “ Unbreakable” to his teammates.
“Hey,” says Kobe. “We’re on a big win streak and you want to upset our karma? Of course, the smell of this stuff is so bad it might keep defenders from getting too close and guarding me.”
Lame duck head coach Phil Jackson will interrupt this stirring conversation. He had just come back from Borders with books for his players on how to center themselves. Andrew Bynum will think this is personalized just for him because he players the center position. Borders will go bankrupt, just like in real life, right after Jackson leaves. Jackson will be seen snickering that this would be the last time he would have to buy books for his team.
The last scene will show a dream sequence of Jackson fishing in Montana after finally dumping his bosses’ daughter, Jeannie, in Los Angeles. He will spill some “Unbreakable” in the lake and the fish will hop up into his boat. The End.
Contact Don Alexander at Journaldon@aol.com