When you read this the National Football League should be all set to play football. I have a great deal of respect for the players and owners in the NFL.
But I really have just the opposite feeling for everyone in the National Basketball Association. Even my classy Los Angeles Lakers displayed their worst side when they lost their last playoff game.
So this week I’m going to pick on them. It looks like there will not be a basketball season this year because the owners are more interested in the quality of lobster they’re eating and the spoiled players want to learn foreign languages so they can converse with sportswriters in other countries.
Here are the latest rumors, mostly from my head. But hey, that’s how rumors are started!
Metta World Peace: You don’t remember him? His name used to be Ron Artest. He wants to improve his image so he changed his name to Metta World Peace. He just wants to be known as World Peace.
Before Artest changed to World Pease he spit in the faces of the Dallas Mavericks who had the audacity to beat the Lakers in the playoffs recently.
Rumor has it he will open mental health clinics around the world and use himself as an example of someone who needs help.
It is not known at this time if he will enter the Purdue University Cricket Spitting Championship. It’s tough to get in because thousands of entrants and TV watchers on CNN and ESPN watch the annual event. The record stands at 32 feet and one-half inch. If you think that’s easy go out right now and spit a cricket. Take your measuring stick. If the cricket moves after he lands that part doesn’t count.
Andrew Bynum: The seven-foot giant clocked Dallas Maverick J.J. Barea in that last playoff game when he didn’t expect it. There is a rumor that Bynum will have his own TV reality show where he will close line people on the streets when they aren’t looking. After all, who will then challenge the 285-pound athlete?
There is even a rumor that he will visit “The New Jersey Housewives” or the “Mob Housewives” shows and find out how they deal will guys like him.
Pau Gasol: He is taking classes on how not to be bothered during big time basketball games if his girl friend is cheating on him. By the way, I did feel it wasn’t nice of her to be such a distraction during those important games.
Gasol will learn to just look the other way, but not if Bynum is in the same room. There is also a rumor that Pau will see Artest’s lawyer and change his first name to Paul so we sportswriters don’t have to tell “spell check” to settle down every time we spell his name.
Kobe Bryant: As you know, Kobe said he was tired last year so he didn’t practice much with his team. This year rumor has it that he is negotiating to play basketball in Turkey. Not the Thanksgiving kind but the country kind.
My rumor sources tell me he will sign for millions of dollars but will not practice and will not even play in the games to conserve his energy and health. Heck of an idea.
While in Turkey he will try and stay away from the chambermaids because he won’t understand the Turkish word for “no.” He didn’t understand it in English so that will not be easy.
Luke Walton: Is he still on the team? Rumor has it he won’t play for a European team and he won’t play for the Lakers either. Could he be the next basketball coach at USC? Maybe that’s just a rumor.
Lamar Odom: Poor Lamar is showing the world what a wuss he is, especially at the hands of the Kardashians. Did he really expect Khloe to change her name to Khloe Odem? Rumor has it he’s changing his last name to Kardashian.
More next week.