Dear Marilyn,
This past summer I became close friends with a boy that I’d known for a few months, but had never spent much time with.
We started to hang out more and more, and before long we were dating. We went to movies and dinners and clubs together.
The more time we spent together, the closer we got. When he kissed me, it was like I had received an electric shock. Yes, I am in love with him.
The problem is that in September he went away to UC Berkeley. I miss him so much.
In October, I went to see him twice. He spent the Christmas holidays here at home, and we saw each other every day.
He is now back at school and I miss him terribly. His friends have told me that he told them that he really likes me a lot, and in fact, more than any girl that he has ever dated.
The problem is that I want a commitment from him not to date any other girls while he is away. He told me that he does not want to do that.
He says that while we are in college, we need to both be free to date others. I am very hurt.
I tried not talking to him, but that only made me feel worse. So, now we talk and text each other frequently, and I act like I have accepted the situation. But, of course, I really haven’t.
I have never felt this way about anyone before. He is absolutely the guy of my dreams.
I am so lost and confused, and I don’t know how to handle the situation.
Can you give me some advice, please?
Signed, Lost and Perplexed
Dear Lost and Perplexed,
I will try. You need to accept the situation exactly as it is. You have fallen for a smart, honest, guy that seems perfect for you.
Instead of being worried about the fact that he is not ready to commit fully to you, you need to accept what he has told you.
I know that it is not easy, but he is being very honest, and you need to respect that. Believe me that some couples who have long distance relationships are not nearly as truthful.
So, look at the positive side. He is obviously very interested in you.
When he is home, you are inseparable, and you communicate frequently while he is away. At this stage you need to be happy with that.
I know that you are afraid of losing him, but there is always a risk in any relationship. It is especially difficult in a long distance one.
So, you must stop pressuring him for a commitment, and enjoy the relationship exactly as it is.
If you are “meant to be” the time will come for a commitment from him. In the meantime, be your happy, smart and sweet self, and treasure your times together.
Dear Marilyn,
I just got out of a three year relationship, and my ex-significant other has some really big problems in his life.
When I talk to his family about it, they seem to be in denial. They rescue him and enable him.
They seem to think that they have everything figured out, but they don’t.
Marilyn Lewis Tortolano
Every time that he messes up, they just say “we have taken care of it, and he needs time to recover from his mistakes”.
Mind you, every time that we are waiting for him to “redeem himself” he does something else.
How much time does everybody need to give him, really!
I feel very badly for him. We were friends first, before we were a couple, and as a friend I want to help him.
I just don’t know how to do it. His family doesn’t know how to help him either.
So, my question is: how do you help someone when their family continues to enable them?
Signed, Loving Ex-Girlfriend
Dear Loving Ex Girlfriend,
You can’t. You have been trying for three years to help him, and he continues to make poor choices in his life.
The fact that his family continues to bail him out is only making the situation worse. There is really nothing that you can do for him.
However, there is something that you can do for yourself. You sound much less like an ex-girlfriend, than a girl who is hoping that her guy will straighten up so that they can get back together.
You need to remove yourself from him and his family. You say you are broken up, so you need to act like it.
Discontinue your communication with both him and his family. You can not save him, but you can make your own life a lot better by leaving him once and for all.
I know that it will not be easy for you, but it will be the best thing that you can do for yourself.
Dear Readers, please send your questions to: Dear Marilyn, c/o Garden Grove Journal, 12866 Main St. #203, Garden Grove, Ca. 92840. Or send an email to mtortolano@ggjournal.com.
