Dear Marilyn,
Marilyn Lewis Tortolano
My boyfriend and I were going together for two years. Seven months ago, we split up. We had been living together.
Neither of us can afford to live alone, so he moved in with some friends, and I moved back in with my mom.
It was a fairly amicable breakup. We came to the realization that it would be best for both of us and we have both moved on.
My ex-boyfriend has a son. Obviously, since we lived together for two years, I became very close with him. We became our own little family. He is now seven years old.
His mother is not a part of his life, and it kills me to think that he may now just see me as another woman to walk out on him and his father.
I don’t want this situation to impact his trust of women when he grows older. I also don’t want it to affect how he views relationships between men and woman when he gets older and starts noticing girls.
I miss him like crazy, and I would like to still be a part of his life. I’m not sure if it’s even possible, or if it is, if it’s a good idea.
Would it just confuse him to have me around even though his father and I are no longer together? Technically I am not in the “mother figure” position any more.
What is your advice?
Signed, Missing The Little Guy
Dear Missing The Little Guy,
You are two years late in having these concerns. You should have thought all of the issues through before you became your “own little family”.
You made a big mistake in moving in with your ex-boyfriend. This was unfair to the boy.
It does not appear that you and your ex-boyfriend even considered what the impact of your relationship together was having on his son.
My strong advice is that you do not attempt to contact him. It is highly unlikely that you would stay in the boy’s life for the long run. If you begin another relationship with another guy, you may drift away from the boy again.
Or, your ex-boyfriend may begin a new relationship. For the sake of his son, I hope he has learned something. He needs to keep his son from bonding with anyone until if and when he is ready for marriage again.
I am sure that you do miss him. However, for once in this relationship, put the needs of the boy in front of your own.
Dear Marilyn,
I have a friend that I have known since we were in kindergarten. We’ve been through almost everything together, and her family and mine are very close.
We celebrate holidays together, and birthdays and major milestones in our lives.
I am not sure how or when it happened, but at some point she and her mother became very competitive with my mother and me regarding our accomplishments.
She and I are both in college, but she is further along than I am, as I took an “extended spring break” after high school. She went straight to college.
We are both perfectionists when it comes to our passions. Hers is teaching and English literature, and mine is fiction and non-fiction writing.
Every time my mother tires to brag a little about something that I have accomplished, her mom always has to counter with something that she has achieved.
Not that I crave it on a regular basis, but every now and then I’d like to be the center of attention on my own.
My community college graduation is coming up. I will be graduating with two A.A. degrees and with honors.
This is my first major accomplishment. On my graduation day, I want it to be my day. I have a feeling that at some point during the evening that some announcement will be made about her recent accomplishments in order to shed the spotlight on her.
It may sound childish or selfish, but is it all right to politely remind her that this day is my day, and we can definitely celebrate her accomplishments on another day?
Signed, Off-Center Stage
Dear Off-Center Stage,
You certainly can ask her and her mom to honor this day as all yours. However, with their track record, I’m not sure they will comply with your request.
Your request is very reasonable. Maybe your mom could also talk to her mom before the celebration, and remind her that this is your day.
However, if they start talking about something she has done, you may need to be prepared for that. Remember, that you can’t control what others do, you can only control your reaction to it.
So, you can suffer in silence, or you can remind them of your prior request. Either way, you must not let it ruin your delight in your wonderful accomplishments.
There is one other option that you haven’t seemed to have thought of. That is that you don’t invite her and her mom to your celebration.
I know that you always have in the past, but it may be time to break that tradition. Perhaps you should just celebrate with your immediate family. Then you will be sure to be the center of the the celebration.
Either way, congratulations. You’ve done great!
Dear Readers, please send your questions to Dear Marilyn, c/o Garden Grove Journal, 12866 Main St. #203, Garden Grove, Ca. 92840. Or, send an email to mtortolano@ggjournal.com.
